Wednesday, 08 April 2009

• loneliness

  When I broke up with S about 2 months ago, friends near and far took to asking, "How are you?" whenever I see or chat with them online.  What I think they really want to know is, "How are you coping with being single and all on your own again?"

  For someone who used to be an expert at being single, I've found myself at a loss being single this time round.  Sure, I keep my nights and weekends busy with snowboaring, hiking, partying and dinners, and I enjoy every minute of it to date.  If I can help it, I spend very little of my time on my own these days, and I've only played online Carcassonne maybe 3 times over the last 2 weeks. No mean feat.

  But something is different this time around.  In the past, looking at couples, and public displays of affection, receiving wedding invites and news of babies being born never had an effect on me, and I'd be happy for friends and strangers alike who's found happiness in their lives.  But this time round, I feel pangs of envy, self-pity, sadness, and sometimes even jealousy, when I see or hear of the same things.  Pathetically, I'm beginning to take things quite personally, and obssess about my physical attributes and personality traits no end.

  In short, I'm becoming the kind of woman all the self-help books tell  me and my girl friends not to become: a neurotic mess.

  For those who are beginning to worry about my sanity, please don't.  I blog because reading the words I type is like looking into a mirror and seeing who I really am, rather than the person I talked myself into.  And also because after talking to a few of my friends (male and female) who are finding it hard to deal with newfound and continuing feelings of loneliness, I've seen many pitfalls that I need to avoid before it's too late.  Most of the pitfalls occur when we try to start dating again.  We've read too much into what someone said or did, tried to reach out and got hurt in the process, felt unsure about ourselves, and sometimes naively believed that this man or woman standing before us must be our soulmate, even before he or she spoke even one word.

  It's funny and sad at the same time what loneliness does to one's psyche.  But then without the hole in our hearts, there wouldn't be the desire to find someone to share our lives with, and most of us probably wouldn't come into existence if that was the case.

  I know for a fact that I am not ready to dive back into the treacherous waters of the dating pool right now.  So the logical thing to do is to be on my own for a while, learn how to be comfortable in my own skin, and just enjoy my freedom right now.  Basically learn to be content.  Rather than getting distracted by the array of cute guys hovering in my radar.  Hmm... so much easier said than done. Sigh........

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